Wow its been ages since ive gotten on tumblr. But a friend of mine gave me a link to his awesome writing which made me remember my tumblr. Life just got in the way i guess. My daughter is three now. Ive lost 160 pounds and im doing theatre again which i love. Im doing jesus christ superstar. Which i love!! Ive met amazing people some which i truely adore and hope will b my friends forever. We open in a week ahhhh lol. But i deff need to get back into this it was such a great outlet for me. Ill have to get some pics and do an update blog soon. Huuugs to anyone who reads this.
September is suicide prevention month! Remember if someone one is threatening suicide or even makes what you think is attention seeking comments GET THEM HELP! Dont ever think they would never do something like that! Cause its in moments like that you lose someone you love because you dont think they are capable! You need to assume they are planning on hurting themselves! Its better to OVER REACT than to UNDER REACT! I never thought in a million years my fiancee would have committed suicide and by the time I realized he could do something like that it was too late he had already committed suicide….He was already gone! I cant help but beat myself up for not taking him more serious for thinking he was just being dramatic! Even though we talked about suicide and how he would NEVER do something like that to me and out daughter cause he lived through his moms suicide and he would NEVER want to put us through that kinda pain! He still made other suicidal comments and even an attempt before he actually did it! We just thought it was him being a drama queen and that he wasnt really trying to kill himself and we LAUGHED IT OFF! YES LAUGHED! When we should have gotten him help then! I beat myself up about that alot! I cant help it people tell me I shouldnt do that and I know I shouldnt but I do! I should have realized it was more serious than I made it out to be! I thought he used his bipolar and not having his meds as an excuse to make horrible decisions! But it wasnt it was a genuine mental illness! I do not take suicide threats and comments lightly now! You just never know and Id rather make too much out of something than not make enough out of it! Life is hard God I know but there are better ways of dealing with life! So if you can prevent someone from taking their lives than its worth it!! Its better than regretting what you could have, should have done! TRUST ME ON THAT ONE! I will always have those regrets! I will always wonder what could have been if I had gotten him some kinda help! Its important! Peoples lives are important sometimes people just need to know someone loves them and is there for them! So keep that in mind! Support Suicide prevention month!! HUGS!
Today matt would have been 31 years old. We just passed the 2 year anniversary of his death which was a hard day for me as well. Today is his BIRTHDAY! The day to celebrate him being brought into this world! I wish so much that he was here for it! Here to celebrate with us! Its funny he was born 49 days before me in CALIFORNIA! So our moms were Pregnant at the same time IN CALIFORNIA cause I was born in oxnard and he was born in Sacramento cali,and we met and fell in love in Virginia what are the odds! He always talked about how he was gonna make my birthday the best birthday I have ever had…..well unfortuately he didnt live long enough to see that through. It still hurts some days more than others! I miss him so much! I miss hearing his laugh, seeing his smile, watching him sing and dance around the house, his cooking, the way he made love to me and made me feel wanted all the time! I know tmi but its just the truth! He may have been far from perfect and he hurt me a good bit I still loved him and loved how he loved me! It wasnt huge gestures or buying me things, it was always the lil things. Like cuddling up with me when watching movies and rubbing my hair, picking out a movie to watch that I KNOOOW he doesnt want to see but puts it in because he knows I want to watch it, Dancing with me in living room, singing to me, cooking me dinner and taking care of me! The way he looked at me like I was the only one that mattered! How he would brag to EVERYONE he met that I was a model and he was so proud of me! How he never went anywhere without telling me he loved me, or when we would go out we were always holding hands. He was just proud I was his and that made me feel amazing! To me its always the lil thing that matters the most, even if one of those lil things means watching or doing something u really dont want to but doing them because you love the person who wants to do those things, you doing it for them. To be able to spend time with them! I keep feeling like I am searching for something thats missing since hes been gone! Some thing that i dont think im gonna find no matter how long I search cause no ones gonna be him! Sounds so stupid but i cant help it just seems to be how I feel like Im looking for something thats been lost! I cant put my finger on what it is! Sometimes I feel so lost myself! I wonder where my life is heading what I have to show for it and most of what I have to show for it is heartache and grief. Its hard to know this time every year Im gonna feel this way more than ever! after the first year I felt completely lost like within the first year I could say this time last year we were doing this and this. After that first year it was like what do i do now there are no more memories now…. it was….This time last year he was GONE!!!! It wasnt the same now 2 years has passed it doesnt hurt any less. I still miss him and wish he was here to see his daughter grow up! Well I hope he has a great birthday! He deserves to have a great afterlife! NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE THINKS!!! anyways I better get my butt in motion! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATT!! I love you always miss you forever!!!!
him being silly
last pic of us ever taken before he died!!
I love u with all my heart! Love you Always Miss you FOREVER!!
I dont understand that saying at all. Every single time I’ve had cake I’ve eaten it also. Who are the people who possess cake yet don’t eat it? What are you supposed to do with it?
best believe that cake is getting eaten.
never understood this
my answer to this is that Ive always thought the saying should be “you cant eat your cake and have it too” cause once uve eatten it, its gone! although u technically still have it since its in ur belly but thats the best i got on that one!
Redid my red and trimmed my bangs lovin it (Taken with Instagram)
*breaks into song* Cause baby i was born that way!! hahahahahahahahahaha!! I LOVE YOU SISTER FROM ANOTHER DOC I MEAN MISTER!!!!
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I think I’ve rebloged 2 of them. Ur very talented and I love ur poetry. It touches my heart and how I feel so I enjoy it greatly. Look forward to reading more of ur work. Keep up the good work. U touch people with ur words and that’s a special gift so no need to thank me. I should b thanking u! Hugs! But thanks for appreciating it. Have a great day!
HAPPY FATHERS DAY MATT! I was pregnant on his first fathers day! I got him a card and he was so happy! I still have the card i believe! He was so excited to b a father! When I told him I was pregnant he cried he was sooooo happy! All he talked about was he couldnt wait to have her call him DADDY! As we all know that was never to be! I always thought about how it would be when I gave birth of course I didnt know at that time i would be having a C section. But I always saw him with his big goofy grin sooo excited to see her! WATCHING EVERYTHING! haha He was always so interested what was going on with my Vajayjay haha one of my first appts he was in the room with my OBGYN and hes like CAN I LOOK the doc was like NO! hahaha! I always saw him looking at me while holding our daughter with so much love in his eye! Hed look at me and tell me how much he loved me and was proud of me for what we made! I know he was there that day! I know he was proud of his daughter and me! He watches over us I feel him there everyday! sometimes he finds lil ways to let me know hes there! So Happy Fathers Day to the man who made my dreams of being a mother come true! Thank u matt! I love you and u will never be forgotten ever!
I do have to put in here that i have truely been bless in having a man in my life that was there for me when no one was! Who was there from the moment she took her first breath! He was the first to hold her and he couldnt be happier! He was happy for me because he knew how much i wanted to be a mother! He loved her from that moment on! When i was pregnant he got to feel her kick hed never felt his son kick! I think he fell in love with her then! He is now Her DADDY and my man, Brad! She adores him! She is such a daddys girl! U can see the love he has for her in his eyes when he looks at her! They are so close and he couldnt imagine his life without her! Im so glad he has chosen to be her her daddy and love her like she was his own! To him she is his! She is his daughter! I know in the grand scheme of things Matt is glad he is there to take care of and love her! If it wasnt for Brad I would have never met Matt. I believe i was meant to find Matt and although our love wasnt long, He was meant to give me my daughter even though he wasnt meant to b there for her life, he was meant to give her life! Brad was meant to be her daddy! He is a wonderful father! I am so Thankful for him so HAPPY FATHERS DAY BRAD!
They love playing together a more recent pic!
she loves her daddy!
Yes I have moved forward in my life and am with a man I love! We actually were together before Matt! It doesnt mean I miss or love matt any less I just have to move forward and find different ways to deal with his death. This blog being one of them! I miss him all the time! I miss all the fucked up things he did too not gonna lie, not all of them but some! when he was silly and made me smile! But I am moving forward in my life and I do love Brad alot and I love seeing him play with Irelynn they are so cute together! There will always be a piece of my heart thats missing that will always belong to matt! But anyways I just wanted to post this up for Fathers Day! To the 2 Biggest figures in my daughters life! The one that Made her and the one who is raising her! HAPPY FATHERS DAY My Loves!
I wish I could tell you
how much I’m missing you
how much I’ve been missing your kisses
I miss your warmth
The softness of your hands
& the satisfaction that I feel
whenever I rub my feet against your shin.
I truly miss you
I just wish I could tell you how much.
I seriously love her poetry its like she gets in my emotions and knows how i feel lol another one that reminded me of matt enjoy!
I want to go back
where I could watch
the rise and fall of
your chest whilst you’re sleeping
where I could rub my hands
against your back whilst you’re driving
I want to go back
where there’s a you
brimming my heart with glee.
I love this I saw it on my Dashboard and I thought Id reshare it cause it fits how I feel some days! I miss the days with Matt! I decided to take a pic of my wall of quotes where he signed his name and put a lil cute smiley face and wrote Love you bunches! I wish his name hadnt faded so much he used a different marker than the love you bunches but i wanted to get a pic in case it would disappear one day! I miss him all the time some days more than others! I was on James Van Praaghs chatroom which is where I have gone to get through this somehow. THe people there are amazing and understanding and REALLY want to help you though whatever your hard time is! they really listen to you! Its a beautiful place filled with love! Monday night I got to chat with James Van P himself and I asked him what happens to someone who commits suicide do they find peace! He said that they find peace and love because once the body is dead the soul is perfect and moves onto peace happiness and love! Which just made me feel better! James Van P is a famous medium who was a producer on the show Ghost whisperer which is a fave of mine! Anyways… I enjoyed this short poem it made me think of Matt! here is the pic of what he wrote!
Above it is one of my FAVE quotes “The Key to Immortality is to live a life worth remembering.” thats such a true statement and where Matts life was short and he didnt do anything to be famous or rich, His life is worth remembering. He did do one thing that he will always be remembered for and that is giving life to our daughter Irelynn Rose! Shes a beautiful healthy lil girl and A lil girl I was told I would never have! He gave me what became my whole world and a piece of him to love forever! For that Alone his life is worth remembering! Here is our beautigul daughter that we made with all the love we had for each other! I see so much of him in her!
my baby snuggled up dreamin dreams that I hope her daddy are in!
That lil girl deserves to know her father and I will tell her all about him and probably show her this too maybe if this is all still around lol! Its gonna b hard to get her to understand but its what I have to do! I have a journal that i started when i was pregnant that ive written in so one day when shes graduating college or getting married i will give her this journal or journals and she can read her life and about her father thru my eyes! Its my gift to her! anyways Goodnight everyone! I love you matt you will always b remembered! we love you!
Love-Ireland and Irelynn Rose
Date a girl who writes.
Date a girl who may never wear completely clean clothes, because of coffee stains and ink spills. She’ll have many problems with her closet space, and her laptop is never boring because there are so many words, so many worlds that she’s cluttered amidst the space. Tabs open filled with obscure and popular music. Interesting factoids about Catherine the Great, and the immortality of jellyfish. Laugh it off when she tells you that she forgot to clean her room, that her clothes are lost among the binders so it’ll take her longer to get ready, that her shoes hidden under the mountain of broken Bic pens and the refurbished laptop that she’s saved for ever since she was twelve.
Kiss her under the lamppost, when it’s raining. Tell her your definition of love.
Find a girl who writes. You’ll know that she has a sense of humor, a sense of empathy and kindness, and that she will dream up worlds, universes for you. She’s the one with the faintest of shadows underneath her eyelids, the one who smells of coffee and Coca-cola and jasmine green tea. You see that girl hunched over a notebook. That’s the writer. With her fingers occasionally smudged with charcoal, with ink that will travel onto your hands when you interlock your fingers with her’s. She will never stop, churning out adventures, of traitors and heroes. Darkness and light. Fear and love. That’s the writer. She can never resist filling a blank page with words, whatever the color of the page is.
She’s the girl reading while waiting for her coffee and tea. She’s the quiet girl with her music turned up loud (or impossibly quiet), separating the two of you by an ocean of crescendos and decrescendos as she’s thinking of the perfect words. If you take a peek at her cup, the tea or coffee’s already cold. She’s already forgotten it.
Use a pick-up line with her if she doesn’t look to busy.
If she raises her head, offer to buy her another cup of coffee. Or of tea. She’ll repay you with stories. If she closes her laptop, give her your critique of Tolstoy, and your best theories of Hannibal and the Crossing. Tell her your characters, your dreams, and ask if she gotten through her first novel.
It is hard to date a girl who writes. But be patient with her. Give her books for her birthday, pretty notebooks for Christmas and for anniversaries, moleskins and bookmarks and many, many books. Give her the gift of words, for writers are talkative people, and they are verbose in their thanks. Let her know that you’re behind her every step of the way, for the lines between fiction and reality are fluid.
She’ll give you a chance.
Don’t lie to her. She’ll understand the syntax behind your words. She’ll be disappointed by your lies, but a girl who writes will understand. She’ll understand that sometimes even the greatest heroes fail, and that happy endings take time, both in fiction and reality. She’s realistic. A girl who writes isn’t impatient; she will understand your flaws. She will cherish them, because a girl who writes will understand plot. She’ll understand that endings happen for better or for worse.
A girl who writes will not expect perfection from you. Her narratives are rich, her characters are multifaceted because of interesting flaws. She’ll understand that a good book does not have perfect characters; villains and tragic flaws are the salt of books. She’ll understand trouble, because it spices up her story. No author wants an invincible hero; the girl who writes will understand that you are only human.
Be her compatriot, be her darling, her love, her dream, her world.
If you find a girl who writes, keep her close. If you find her at two AM, typing furiously, the neon gaze of the light illuminating her furrowed forehead, place a blanket gently on her so that she does not catch a chill. Make her a pot of tea, and sit with her. You may lose her to her world for a few moments, but she will come back to you, brimming with treasure. You will believe in her every single time, the two of you illuminated only by the computer screen, but invincible in the darkness.
She is your Shahrazad. When you are afraid of the dark, she will guide you, her words turning into lanterns, turning into lights and stars and candles that will guide you through your darkest times. She’ll be the one to save you.
She’ll whisk you away on a hot air balloon, and you will be smitten with her. She’s mischievous, frisky, yet she’s quiet and when she has to kill off a lovely character, when she cries, hold her and tell her that it will be alright.
You will propose to her. Maybe on a boat in the ocean, maybe in a little cottage in the Appalachian Mountains. Maybe in New York City. Maybe Chicago. Baltimore. Maybe outside her publisher’s office. Because she’s radiant, wherever she goes. Maybe even outside of a cinema where the two of you kiss in the rain. She’ll say that it is overused and clichéd, but the glint in her eyes will tell you that she appreciates it all the same.
You will smile hard as she talks a mile a second, and your heart will skip a beat when she holds your hand and she will write stories of your lives together. She’ll hold you close and whisper secrets into your ears. She’s lovely, remember that. She’s self made and she’s brilliant. Her names for the children might be terrible, but you’ll be okay with that. A girl who writes will tell your children fantastical stories.
Because that is the best part about a girl who writes. She has imagination and she has courage, and it will be enough. She’ll save you in the oceans of her dreams, and she’ll be your catharsis and your 11:11. She’ll be your firebird and she’ll be your knight, and she’ll become your world, in the curve of her smile, in the hazel of her eye the half-dimple on her face, the words that are pouring out of her, a torrent, a wave, a crescendo - so many sensations that you will be left breathless by a girl who writes.
Maybe she’s not the best at grammar, but that is okay.
Date a girl who writes because you deserve it. She’s witty, she’s empathetic, enigmatic at times and she’s lovely. She’s got the most colorful life. She may be living in NYC or she may be living in a small cottage. Date a girl who writes because a girl who writes reads.
A girl who writes will understand reality. She’ll be infuriating at times, and maybe sometimes you will hate her. Sometimes she will hate you too. But a girl who writes understands human nature, and she will understand that you are weak. She will not leave on the Midnight Train the first moment that things go sour. She will understand that real life isn’t like a story, because while she works in stories, she lives in reality.
Date a girl who writes.
Because there is nothing better than a girl who writes.
I looooove this. It couldnt b more true!
I think this is pretty Kick ass! I am glad they are using their fame to do something worth while! Suicide prevention is soooo important! Just the other day a 13 year old girl took her life they say it had something to do with bullying but there were a lot of underlying problems! It just seems like such a waste! I would lose my mind if I lost my daughter to suicide like I lost her father! I will educated her and if there is anything wrong get her any and all help she needs! My thoughts go out to that girls parents its an awful thing to go through and something needs to be done so this stops happening so I give major props to Five FInger Death Punch for contibuting to the CAUSE! THank you for that!
Click on the underlined words and it will take u to the page to show what they are doing and their PSA!!
My tattoo done by james vaughn. I loooove it! (Taken with instagram)